Sunday, December 10, 2006

Susan, my precious girl

I hoped that I would never, ever have to write this, but Heavenly Father called Susan back to be with Him last night. Since she came out of the hospital two days ago, she has been struggling and we have taken care of her around the clock making sure that she was being held and fed. She lost her appetite yesterday and I was really concerned. We had some doctors here yesterday afternoon but they could not come up with any other kind of care that had not been given to her already. She started having trouble breathing at about 9:05pm. I tried so hard to help her, but she died soon afterwards. I am so grateful that the last thing she saw was me, even though I was frantic at the time. I am grateful that it happened at home and that she was surrounded with people that she loved in a place that she was familiar with. I know that there have been many times she almost died and it was only through the thousands of people who prayed for her that she survived. I think that having Susan made me realize just how compassionate people are and how much they can love a baby from afar.

I have so many wonderful memories of her. Her singing McDonald's at any given time and her other favorite song that Conny taught her where you twist your hands. Whenever she heard Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star she should start doing the flashing stars. She loved music. She loved watching Baby Einstein and eating. That child could eat as much as Jonas did. Even the last few days she patted me on the back when I patted her on the back. She came to teach me how to love and love well. She was one of the first six and she taught me how to be a mom because of her my confidence grew and I became better able to take care of other heart babies.

As you can imagine that it is one painful experience for me. I am sad that my will for Susan did not turn out to be Heavenly Father's will. I so wanted her to be in the loving arms of a family and that was not to be. I know Susan's new family are mourning her loss too. I think of her now in the arms of her Creator and I pray for her to know how honored I have been to be given the responsibility of taking care of her. She has been my precious girl for almost 16 months.

I want to thank the many people who have also been so involved with Susan. Kay for her unfailing love and support and for being there when I need help. My thanks to Dr Li whom I respect so much and for all he did to help Susan right up to the end. To everyone at Love Without Boundaries and how quickly they helped us by getting money ready for Susan's operation in January 2006. To the nannies who took care of Susan so well, especially Mrs Liu who loved her as if if she was Susan was her own. Last but not least to all the volunteers who come and offer their help and how loved Susan. Thank you all so very much.

I know Susan would be the first one to encourage me not to stop taking care of the babies that I have. Maybe that is part of her legacy: For us to work with more diligence to find help for the abandoned, unloved and unwanted children of China. This child will always have such a special place in my heart because she was one of the first to call me mom. What a choice experience and a privilege! I have come to understand that there is indescribable joy in helping children to live and find families, but at the same time, comes the responsibility that I have to help them to die with dignity, being well loved and well taken care of. The pain and joy comes in equal amounts.

I pray that God's strength will be with me as I continue to fulfill my purpose here in Xian with the children, that I will always know that I am engaged in God's work and that I will never waiver in doing good.

With an extremely sad heart,


mum2brady said...

Amanda - my heart is heavy to read this. Susan is one of the first babies that brought me to you! She is most precious, and Heavenly Father must have needed her back home with him. You are in our thoughts and prayers....

Anonymous said...

Oh Amanda, I am so sorry you have lost your most precious Susan. My heart grieves with you, and I only knew her from afar. Bless your precious grieving heart, Amanda. May the Lord of all comfort be with you and Kay and bless you with His peace. Your work with these babies is precious in His sight. Margo

Anonymous said...

Again...I am so sorry about the loss of your sweet . I still remember how sweet she looked in that first picture I saw of her in her little red Christmas outfit. She has had a life filled with love and care.
What a blessing to have known of her.
May you and yours be comforted today in thinking of God's strong loving arms around little Susan.

Anonymous said...

As one of the many who made a small but heartfelt donation to LWB to help fund the surgery of Susan and others like her, I was thrilled with her progress and am now deeply saddend at her passing. I'm just so very glad that she had these months with you, and that you were able to be with her at the end. I'm sure your loving presence gave her comfort as her body finally succumbed. You are in my thoughts.

Journey2LilyRose said...

Amanda - You do not know me, but when I read of little Susan passing on, I just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you to find peace and understanding. May your heart heal soon and know that you were a beautiful blessing to little Susan. As for Susan's Forever Family, I am praying for them to also find peace and understanding. I can not imagine what they are feeling at this moment. I am so very sorry for you all.

Donna said...

Just heartbreaking. But bless you for being there for her and giving her comfort as she drew her last breath. It's so much more than many children in Chinese orphanages get but certainly not more than they deserve.

My heart aches for everyone who will miss the chance to hold and love Susan.


TBG Happenings said...

To everyone who cared and loved Susan, I am so sorry. What a blessing she was to all! Thank you for loving and taking such good care of her. She left this world knowing that she was truly loved.

You are all in our thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

Oh Amanda -

I am so very, very sorry. I know there is little I can say that is helpful. Just know she knows she is loved and missed and Heavenly Father blessed us all by letting us share this small part of her life.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. May you and Kay feel the Savior's comforting arms around you.


Anonymous said...

Dearest Amanda, I’m so sorry for the loss of Susan. She is a very special girl. I’m thinking of you and sending you all of my energy. Continue to give these kids all the love and hope that you so genuinely possess. May God bless you and Kay everyday.


Anonymous said...

OH NO! I am so sad to hear this!! IT's not fair!!
I know Susan is in heaven though and she was so perfect God wanted her to be with him.
RIP Susan

krothi said...

"No more tears, no more suffering, as we cross into the light..."

Blessings to you.
In the Big Love

Anonymous said...

Oh Amanda, I am so sorry for the loss of this precious baby. I guess this is just another wa of showing that God's will isn't always ours. She is with her heavenly father now. Even though we don't understand why things happen the way they do God has his perfect reason. My heart breaks for her family that she was going to have. I was so excited to see their photos. At least if she couldn't be with her forever family she was deeply loved by the family that you have created in your home.
God bless you and all your others that help you in your home. I hope that God gives you the strength and comfort that you need to keep going. You are doing such a wonderful thing by helping and loving these babies until they can be placed with their forever families. You are a very special person!

Anonymous said...

May angelic Susan watch over you, your helpers and the children you care for.


Anonymous said...

My thoughts are with you during this very sad time. I found a link to your site today, and have been browsing the archives to catch up on your blogs. You are an amazing person and the children are so blessed to have you in their lives. As a waiting parent to be I am so happy to know that there are people like you over there looking after these precious babies. We are from South Africa too, we were from Durban and we now live in China. I look forward to reading more of your blogs.

Anonymous said...

Amanda,i'm very sorry to hear the news,i still can't believe it~~
susan is a lovely girl,i stiil remenber her singing~whatever,i wish you and all the babies happy~


Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for the loss of sweet Susan. It is so sad. I will keep you and Susan's new-family- that-was-not-to-be in my prayers. I know they are hurting so very much.